Theory of I and You TiU logo Theory of I & You
Theory of I & You — TIU

Theory of I and You

From Goallessness to Goallessness — Through a Goal.

Educational Resource

Theory of I and You (TIU) is a tool for self-coaching, self-examination and self-understanding. It helps me examine my experiences, conclusions, relationships, identity and what I take to be true—moving towards greater clarity, resolution and responsible living.

Explore the 6 Domains Begin Inquiry
“

What is happening, what have I concluded, and what am I assuming to be true?

A Simple Entry Point

Begin with what is happening to me.

Inquiry can begin with any situation that becomes personally significant—a relationship, criticism, misunderstanding, fear, disappointment, desire, success, or even the search for peace.

I begin with what happened and examine what I concluded, assumed, experienced, expected and how I related to it.

From there, the inquiry can deepen—from the situation, to my experience of it, to the meaning I give it, and eventually to the meaning of “I” itself.

Independent inquiry continues as far as it can, while remaining clear about what it can establish and what remains unresolved.

Preparation for Inquiry

Prayer or Silence for Inquiry

A non-sectarian preparation for three stages of TIU inquiry. Prayer is optional and is used as an intention for clarity, steadiness, openness and understanding. Silence is an equally valid preparation.

1

Self-Coaching

Relation Domain

Purpose: To examine how I relate, choose and respond without rushing into blame or judgement.

May I see facts clearly, examine my conclusions honestly, and act with truthfulness, responsibility, dignity and non-harm. May my inquiry help me understand rather than judge.
Or Silence: Pause for a few moments. Let reactions settle. Become available to ask: What am I doing? Why am I doing it? What is its effect on me and on the other?

Less reaction. Less judgement. More attention. More truthfulness.

2

Self-Examination

Reflection Domain

Purpose: To understand how experience is being constructed within me.

May I have the strength to do what I can, the maturity to accept what I cannot control, and the clarity to notice fear, desire, hurt, expectation and conditioning without being carried away by them. May I recognize the larger support present in life.
Or Silence: Observe what is present without immediately changing or judging it. Notice thoughts, emotions, memories, expectations and reactions as they arise.

Self-effort engages me. Acceptance steadies me. Inquiry helps me see clearly.

3

Self-Understanding

Research Domain

Purpose: To inquire into the known, the knower and knowing without preloading the answer.

May I have the commitment to inquire sincerely, the steadiness to meet inner and outer obstacles, and the humility to receive guidance without blind acceptance or premature rejection. May confusion become visible and understanding grow.
Or Silence: Set aside conclusions such as “I already know who I am.” Observe what is known—body, sensation, thought, emotion, memory, role—and remain with the question: What do I mean by “I”?

I make the effort, remain open, listen carefully, examine deeply, and discover the limit of independent inquiry.

Shared TIU Orientation

Prayer is not used to replace inquiry, reasoning or understanding. Silence is not used to suppress thought or emotion. Both are forms of preparation—helping me become more available to truth, less dominated by reaction, and more capable of careful examination.

Prepare → Observe → Inquire → Understand → Live with greater clarity.

The Journey

Six domains. One progressive inquiry.

Restlessness

01

Central Inquiry: What is my struggle?

Learning Outcome: Recognise what I seek, how I seek it and what remains unresolved.

Dimensions
  • What I Seek
  • Unresolved Struggle

Readiness

02

Central Inquiry: What makes clear inquiry possible?

Learning Outcome: Recognise the conditions and methods that support clear inquiry.

Dimensions
  • Discovering the Field
  • Discovering the Inquiry

Theory of I and You

03

Central Inquiry: Who are I and You in experience?

Learning Outcome: Examine the meanings of “I” and “You” and the relationship arising between them.

Dimensions
  • I and You
  • I ↔ You

Relation

04

Central Inquiry: What should I do?

Learning Outcome: Examine proposed actions through truth, responsibility, dignity, fairness and foreseeable consequences.

Dimensions
  • Examining I
  • Examining You
  • Examining I ↔ You

Reflection

05

Central Inquiry: What is happening within me?

Learning Outcome: Understand how experience is interpreted, what drives inner responses and how a clearer response becomes possible.

Dimensions
  • Constructing My Experiences
  • Understanding My Inner Drivers
  • Responding to My Experience

Research

06

Central Inquiry: What do I mean when I say “I”?

Learning Outcome: Examine the known, the knower and knowing while recognising the limits of independent investigation.

Dimensions
  • The Known
  • The Knower
  • From Knower to Knowing
  • The Limit of Research
Orientation

Inquiry is not a race. Clarity, truthfulness, non-harm, acceptance and patience support the process.

KAG — Knowing · Applying · Growing

Values Along the Path of Inquiry

Domains provide the path of inquiry. KAG provides a way of engaging with values along that path.

Knowing — What does this value mean, and what do I understand about it?

Applying — How does this value inform my choices, relationships and actions?

Growing — What becomes clearer as I repeatedly examine and live this value?

From Inquiry to Living

The six TIU domains provide a progressive path of inquiry. KAG complements this movement by providing a way to engage with values through Knowing, Applying and Growing—examining what a value means, how it informs living, and what becomes clearer through continued reflection and practice.

KAG — Knowing · Applying · Growing KAG describes three stages in the maturity of a value: Knowing — I understand the value and why it matters; Applying — I consciously choose and practise it; Growing — the value increasingly becomes a natural expression of how I live.
01 · Truth02 · Non-Violence03 · Humility04 · Self-Control05 · Integrity06 · Responsibility07 · Respect08 · Dignity09 · Equity10 · Compassion11 · Generosity12 · Forgiveness13 · Patience14 · Forbearance15 · Equanimity16 · Acceptance17 · Contentment18 · Gratitude
What is a Value?

A value is a principle I recognize as important enough to guide my choices, actions, and relationships.

K — KnowingI understand the value and why it matters.
A — ApplyingI consciously bring the value into my choices, actions and relationships.
G — GrowingThe value becomes increasingly natural, stable and integrated in living.
01

Truth

Alignment with what is real, without distortion, concealment or misrepresentation.

K

KNOWING

I OBEY IT.

I follow what is true because I am expected to.

“I tell the truth because I may get into trouble if I lie.”
Driven by fear, reward or authority.
A

APPLYING

I UNDERSTAND AND CHOOSE IT.

I understand its importance and choose to live by it.

“I tell the truth because it builds trust, creates clarity and is the right thing to do.”
Driven by understanding and values.
G

GROWING

I NATURALLY LIVE IT.

it is natural to me; I live it without needing an external rule.

“I value truth itself. I do not want to knowingly distort reality.”
Driven by inner clarity and integrity.
02

Non-Violence

Avoiding harm in thought, word and action, while supporting well-being and dignity.

K

KNOWING

I OBEY IT.

I avoid hurting others because I am told not to.

“I don’t hit, tease or harm others because it is wrong and I may get into trouble.”
Driven by rules, fear or consequences.
A

APPLYING

I UNDERSTAND AND CHOOSE IT.

I notice the impact of my thoughts, words and actions, and choose kindness and consideration.

“I speak and act with care because it reduces suffering, builds trust and creates a better world.”
Driven by understanding and values.
G

GROWING

I NATURALLY LIVE IT.

Non-violence is natural to me; I am sensitive to the well-being of all, including myself. I respond with patience, understanding and compassion, even in difficult situations.

“I live non-violence naturally because I see the same life in all and I choose to contribute to harmony in every situation.”
Driven by inner maturity and compassion.
03

Humility

Openness to learn, be corrected and let go of the need to appear superior or always right.

K

KNOWING

I LISTEN AND LEARN.

I listen, accept correction and recognize that I do not know everything.

“I can say, ‘I was wrong’ or ‘I don’t know’ and learn from others.”
Driven by guidance, trust and learning.
A

APPLYING

I UNDERSTAND AND PRACTICE IT.

I recognize my limits, stay open to feedback and value truth over protecting my image.

“I value learning more than appearing right, and I let evidence correct me.”
Driven by understanding, honesty and maturity.
G

GROWING

I NATURALLY LIVE IT.

Humility is natural to me; I neither inflate nor diminish myself, and I can meet people and situations without self-importance.

“I do not need superiority to feel secure; I remain available to truth, learning and contribution.”
Driven by inner security, clarity and simplicity.
04

Self-Control

Regulating impulses and reactions so choices remain guided by clarity and values.

K

KNOWING

I PAUSE AND FOLLOW.

I pause before acting on an impulse and follow what I know is appropriate.

“I can stop, calm down and choose what I have been taught is right.”
Driven by rules, guidance and consequences.
A

APPLYING

I UNDERSTAND AND CHOOSE IT.

I notice impulses without automatically obeying them, and choose according to values and consequences.

“I can want something strongly without allowing the want to make the decision for me.”
Driven by understanding, discipline and responsibility.
G

GROWING

I NATURALLY LIVE IT.

Self-control is increasingly natural; desires and reactions may arise, but they do not easily disturb clarity or govern conduct.

“I can enjoy what is appropriate, refrain when necessary and remain inwardly steady.”
Driven by inner order, maturity and freedom from compulsion.
05

Integrity

Consistency between values, thoughts, words and actions — even when no one is watching.

K

KNOWING

I OBEY IT.

I do what is right because I am expected to.

“I follow the rules even when it is difficult because I may get into trouble if I don’t.”
Driven by rules, fear or consequences.
A

APPLYING

I UNDERSTAND AND CHOOSE IT.

I understand why consistency matters and choose to align my words and actions.

“I act in alignment with my values because it builds trust, credibility and self-respect.”
Driven by understanding and values.
G

GROWING

I NATURALLY LIVE IT.

it is natural to me; I live in alignment with my values in all situations, without needing external watching or approval.

“I am the same in private and in public, because integrity is simply who I am.”
Driven by inner maturity and authenticity.
06

Responsibility

Owning my part, honouring commitments and responding to the impact of my actions.

K

KNOWING

I OBEY IT.

I complete what is expected of me.

“I complete my homework because I am told to.”
Driven by rules, reward or consequences.
A

APPLYING

I UNDERSTAND AND CHOOSE IT.

I understand my commitments and choose to fulfil them responsibly.

“I do what I say I will do because I value trust, integrity and the impact on others.”
Driven by understanding and values.
G

GROWING

I NATURALLY LIVE IT.

it is natural to me; I take ownership and respond with maturity, without needing an external rule.

“I take responsibility because it is the right way to live.”
Driven by inner maturity and integrity.
07

Respect

Recognizing worth and expressing it through considerate words, behaviour and action.

K

KNOWING

I OBEY IT.

I behave respectfully because I am told to.

“I say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ because I am taught to.”
Driven by rules, fear or consequences.
A

APPLYING

I UNDERSTAND AND CHOOSE IT.

I understand its importance and choose to live by it.

“I listen and value others because it builds trust, stronger relationships and a better environment.”
Driven by understanding and values.
G

GROWING

I NATURALLY LIVE IT.

it is natural to me; I live it without needing an external rule.

“I respect everyone because I value their inherent worth, even when I disagree.”
Driven by inner maturity and kindness.
08

Dignity

Recognizing the inherent worth of every person, including myself, regardless of differences.

K

KNOWING

I OBEY IT.

I treat others respectfully because I am expected to.

“I don’t tease or insult others because it is wrong and I may get into trouble.”
Driven by rules, fear or consequences.
A

APPLYING

I UNDERSTAND AND CHOOSE IT.

I recognize everyone’s inherent worth and choose to treat them respectfully.

“I value people and speak and act with respect, even when I disagree.”
Driven by understanding and values.
G

GROWING

I NATURALLY LIVE IT.

it is natural to me; I see the same inherent worth in everyone and treat all with respect, without needing a rule.

“I honour the dignity of every person — in words, actions and attitude — as a natural way of living.”
Driven by inner maturity and compassion.
09

Equity

Acting fairly by considering differing needs, circumstances and context rather than treating everyone identically.

K

KNOWING

I OBEY IT.

I share and take turns because I am taught that fairness matters.

“I wait for my turn and try to share because it is the right thing to do.”
Driven by rules, external guidance or consequences.
A

APPLYING

I UNDERSTAND AND CHOOSE IT.

I recognize differing needs and make fair, considered choices.

“I support fairness and try to ensure everyone gets what they need to do well.”
Driven by understanding, empathy and values.
G

GROWING

I NATURALLY LIVE IT.

it is natural to me; I see, understand and respond to the unique needs of each person without bias.

“I look beyond surface differences and act fairly because I value the dignity and wellbeing of all.”
Driven by inner maturity, compassion and a sense of oneness.
10

Compassion

Recognizing difficulty or suffering and responding with kindness, understanding and care.

K

KNOWING

I OBEY IT.

I help when I see someone struggling or when I am encouraged to care.

“I help because I am told to, or because it feels wrong to see someone hurt.”
Driven by rules, emotions or consequences.
A

APPLYING

I UNDERSTAND AND CHOOSE IT.

I recognize that everyone faces challenges and choose kindness and support.

“I make an effort to understand and help, because I see the value it brings to others and our relationships.”
Driven by understanding and values.
G

GROWING

I NATURALLY LIVE IT.

Compassion is natural to me; I see myself in others, respond with understanding and care, and act without judgment, even when it is difficult or inconvenient.

“I respond with kindness because I see the same life in all, and compassion is a natural way of being for me.”
Driven by inner maturity, wisdom and oneness.
11

Generosity

Sharing time, attention, resources, knowledge or support appropriately and willingly.

K

KNOWING

I SHARE.

I share what I have and help others when encouraged to contribute.

“I can share my things, time or help so someone else is included.”
Driven by guidance, empathy and encouragement.
A

APPLYING

I UNDERSTAND AND CHOOSE IT.

I recognize interdependence and contribute where my time, resources or abilities can genuinely help.

“I give thoughtfully because contribution strengthens people, relationships and community.”
Driven by understanding, empathy and values.
G

GROWING

I NATURALLY LIVE IT.

Generosity arises naturally from a sense of sufficiency; I can contribute without excessive possessiveness or the need for recognition.

“What I have can become meaningful through wise sharing and contribution.”
Driven by sufficiency, compassion and non-possessiveness.
12

Forgiveness

Releasing resentment and the urge for revenge while making room for understanding and peace.

K

KNOWING

I OBEY IT.

I let go of anger because I am encouraged to move on or avoid conflict.

“I forgive because I am asked to, or because it feels better than staying angry.”
Driven by rules, fear or consequences.
A

APPLYING

I UNDERSTAND AND CHOOSE IT.

I recognize the cost of resentment and choose to let go for peace and well-being.

“I choose to forgive because it helps me let go, heal and move forward.”
Driven by understanding and values.
G

GROWING

I NATURALLY LIVE IT.

Forgiveness is natural to me; I can let go even when there is no apology, because I see people as human, understand their limitations, and choose compassion over resentment.

“I forgive naturally, because I value peace, relationships and a kinder world, and I see the bigger picture.”
Driven by inner maturity, compassion and wisdom.
13

Patience

Remaining calm and steady through delay, difficulty or uncertainty.

K

KNOWING

I WAIT (WITH EFFORT).

I wait even when I feel restless or frustrated.

“I wait because it is the right thing to do, even though it is difficult.”
Driven by rules, presence of others or consequences.
A

APPLYING

I UNDERSTAND AND PRACTICE IT.

I recognize that worthwhile outcomes take time, manage my emotions and continue with steady effort.

“I stay patient because I see the value in consistent effort and trust the process.”
Driven by understanding, reasoning and values.
G

GROWING

I NATURALLY LIVE IT.

Patience is natural to me; I remain calm and steady even in uncertainty, understanding that people, situations and outcomes unfold in their own time.

“I am patient because I accept what is, trust life and respond with calmness and goodwill, always.”
Driven by inner maturity, acceptance and trust.
14

Forbearance

Accommodating unavoidable discomfort without unnecessary complaint, retaliation or loss of clarity.

K

KNOWING

I BEAR IT WITH HELP.

I stay with discomfort without reacting immediately.

“I may not like it, but I can get through it without immediately reacting.”
Driven by support, reassurance and practice.
A

APPLYING

I UNDERSTAND AND PRACTICE IT.

I distinguish what can be changed from what must presently be endured, while preserving good judgment.

“I do not let every discomfort become a crisis or every frustration dictate my response.”
Driven by discrimination, resilience and values.
G

GROWING

I NATURALLY LIVE IT.

Forbearance is a quiet steadiness amid heat and cold, praise and blame, gain and loss, comfort and discomfort.

“Changing conditions need not determine the quality of my mind or conduct.”
Driven by inner steadiness, perspective and maturity.
15

Equanimity

Maintaining inner balance through favourable and unfavourable outcomes.

K

KNOWING

I CALM DOWN AND TRY AGAIN.

I learn to stay balanced in both success and disappointment.

“I can enjoy success, accept disappointment and still behave well.”
Driven by guidance, perspective and emotional learning.
A

APPLYING

I UNDERSTAND AND PRACTICE IT.

I recognize that outcomes change and are not fully under my control, and keep my judgment balanced.

“I give my best effort without allowing success or failure to completely define me.”
Driven by understanding, perspective and responsibility.
G

GROWING

I NATURALLY LIVE IT.

Equanimity is an increasing freedom from being psychologically thrown around by approval, rejection, gain, loss, success or failure.

“I remain available to appropriate action without surrendering my inner balance to changing outcomes.”
Driven by maturity, acceptance and inner freedom.
16

Acceptance

Acknowledging reality without denial or unnecessary resistance, then responding clearly.

K

KNOWING

I ACCEPT IT (AS IT IS).

I acknowledge what is happening even when I do not like it.

“I accept because fighting it makes me sad, and I can be happier when I go with it.”
Driven by trust, guidance and emotions.
A

APPLYING

I UNDERSTAND IT AND WORK WITH IT.

I see the situation as it is, distinguish what can and cannot change, and respond constructively.

“I accept because it helps me stay calm, make better choices and focus my energy on what I can do.”
Driven by understanding, reasoning and responsibility.
G

GROWING

I NATURALLY LIVE IT.

Acceptance is natural to me; I welcome reality as part of life, including what I cannot change, and remain at peace while doing what is right and possible.

“I accept because I trust life, learn from what is, and remain open to growth, without inner resistance.”
Driven by inner maturity, wisdom and equanimity.
17

Contentment

Recognizing sufficiency in the present without making well-being depend on always getting more.

K

KNOWING

I APPRECIATE WHAT I HAVE.

I appreciate what I already have instead of always demanding more.

“I can be happy with what is here, even when I do not get everything I want.”
Driven by guidance, gratitude and perspective.
A

APPLYING

I UNDERSTAND AND PRACTICE IT.

I pursue appropriate goals without assuming that comparison or acquisition will guarantee peace.

“I can work toward more without treating the present as inadequate.”
Driven by understanding, perspective and gratitude.
G

GROWING

I NATURALLY LIVE IT.

Contentment is a basic sufficiency that allows desire to become preference rather than a demand for completeness.

“I can participate fully in life without continuously asking the next achievement to complete me.”
Driven by inner sufficiency, gratitude and freedom from excess dependence.
18

Gratitude

Recognizing and appreciating what is valuable, supportive or meaningful in life.

K

KNOWING

I NOTICE IT.

I notice and appreciate the good things around me.

“I say thank you because it is kind and makes people happy.”
Driven by guidance, rules and encouragement.
A

APPLYING

I UNDERSTAND AND PRACTICE IT.

I consciously notice, appreciate and express what is valuable and supportive.

“I am grateful because it helps me stay positive, build better relationships and live with contentment.”
Driven by understanding and values.
G

GROWING

I NATURALLY LIVE IT.

Gratitude is natural to me; I see life as a gift, appreciate even difficult situations as part of growth, and live with a deep sense of thankfulness in every moment.

“I am grateful because I see the interconnectedness of life and recognize that every experience contributes to who I am.”
Driven by inner maturity, wisdom and contentment.